After having conferenced with each of you this semester, I had several decisions to make. Listening to all you had to say, it is now painfully obvious to me that my classroom policies are much too harsh. I do thank all of you for your feedback and value it more than you may be aware.
You’ll be happy to know that The Queen has been dethroned, overthrown, ousted, usurped and must now go into exile unless I implement a new doctrine. In order to meet the demands of my students, both current and future, I present the following.
No longer will I assign homework. I now recognize that this is such a burden on all of you. Asking you to read short essays and respond to them does take more time than you have to dedicate to this task as Facebook stalking and Twitter talk takes precedence over what I require.
No longer will I worry about punctuation problems in your formal essays. Who really does care that there are 17 uses for the comma?! Surely I shouldn’t expect you to know that fact or where the proper placement is of this dreaded feature within your sentences. This will no longer be corrected in my trademark green or purple ink.
No longer will I require MLA formatting. A student once asked me why there can’t be one uniform style across the board for every college department. I wished I could answer that question, but alas I could not. Papers turned in with 2-inch margins, no name or date, and a 25-point font are A-okay with me.
No longer will I give you a mere week to write a first draft and then a another week to complete the revision. I understand that this simply isn’t enough time for you to rearrange your schedule. Although for the life of me, I can’t fathom why this is the case. I beg and plead of you not to wait until the 11th hour and tell you that my assignments must be put before all else. So, whatever fits your schedule will work perfectly.
No longer will I ask you not to text while in class. I always catch it, but that doesn’t seem to stop anyone. When I see you smile, chuckle, or grin while looking at your lap I assume that is what you’re doing. Unless…
No longer will I require you to do a presentation in class. You’d rather come to class, sit in the chair, listen to my voice, take notes, and leave. This is so much more exciting than hearing the interesting facts your classmates are showing you.
No longer will I take attendance. If you wish to come in, do so. If not, so be it.
No longer will I worry if your argument is sound. You can commit every writing fallacy known, but it will no longer matter. If you have words on the paper that make some sense, it’s all good.
I hope this appeases all of you as it is my aim to please those who live in my Queendom. I have made my peace with the issue. Once you approve this list, I am cognizant that it must be adhered to each and every day.
You must be fully aware that today is dedicated to tomfoolery, AKA The Day for Fools – something you shouldn’t take me for.